There is HOPE - January 31, 2012

3 years ago (I think I had been home for a month.)
TODAY!!!!

Three years ago today I was released from the Billings Clinic after having a 2nd surgery to do clean up and take care of complications from my 1st surgery. I came home so weak I could barely walk up and down the stairs. If I took a shower, I was pretty much wiped out for the rest of the day. I could barely hold my 7 week old baby, let alone take care of her. My loving family nursed me back to health, and I slowly improved day by day. I was told it would take 2-3 years to feel "normal" again. Over the last 3 years, I have wondered what "normal" was. I have gone through periods of being able to workout consistently only to have some sort of set back whether it be me getting sick or one of the kids getting sick or breaking a bone and I would be wiped out for months. One bad night of not getting at least 8 hours of sleep and I was done for the next several weeks at least. I had to choose whether I wanted the energy to workout or the energy to take care of my family, so eventually I had to choose to stop attempting to workout and just sleep in as late as possible, get kids off to school, then slowly get ready for the day and do whatever absolutely had to be done. I was just getting by. At my 2 year check up with my oncologist (I had to change oncologists due to my last one resigning to spend more time with his family - which is totally understandable but VERY sad for me), I told him how I was still tired all the time. Actually tired didn't really describe it, it was exhausted - exhausted from the time I got out of bed in the morning until I could crash again at night- and I was usually taking a nap every afternoon so I could make it through the evening. He just looked at me and asked me how many kid I had. I told him 5. His response, "Well, you are now in your 30's and you have 5 kids. That would make anyone tired." And then he moved on. He didn't ask any more questions or really care that I was concerned. So I decided I had better just get used to this new "normal" me and move on with life. I had to accept that I would never be the "on top of things" person I had been and just keep doing my best. Keep putting on a good face and act my way through the rest of the time my kiddos are at home - which is so not how I wanted to remember raising my children or have them remember mom while they were growing up - but it was the best solution I could think of. I continued to pray for the energy I needed to be ME again. I would have a few good days of being able to only get 6 or 7 hours of sleep and feel ok, but then I would crash again. Weekends were my recovery time and I often slept until 10:00 am. (I am soooooo thankful for a supportive and understanding husband that allowed me to do this and never questioned me as to why things weren't done each day. He knew I was doing my best.) I prayed to know how I could help myself have more energy and tried to follow all the guidelines of getting enough sleep, eating right, and exercising to fix things. But I didn't have the energy to exercise. In the back of my mind I kept getting promptings that I needed to go have my yearly checkup with my OBGYN, but I kept putting off cause I wanted to lose some weight before I went. I have been embarrassed by how much I have gained in the last year. So I kept pushing the thought aside for VERY selfish reasons. Until one day I decided I couldn't keep doing it and finally called and scheduled an appointment. My wonderful OBGYN that delivered 4 of my 5 children retired a year or so after Ashlee was born (which was a very sad day) but thankfully his WHNP is still here in Powell. She is an amazing woman and I figured if anyone would be able to help me it would be her. I figured that I would hear the same thing though - nothing is wrong and you just need to accept who you are now. BUT - she didn't say that! She told me that how I was feeling was NOT normal and she was going to help me find a solution. After a few different blood tests, it came back that I was anemic and my vitamin d was extremely low. So she put me on daily iron and vitamin d supplements but suggested I see Dr. Brecheen (the new OBGYN) to discuss my bleeding issues which she suspected were the source of the other problems. I had only heard wonderful things about Dr. Brecheen, so I went ahead and scheduled the appointment. She had given him a heads up as to my history, and he was in agreement with her that something needed to be done. I went to my appointment with Dr. Brecheen thinking it would just be a short, talk to me appointment only and he would give me some suggestions of things to try. But it ended up being a very in-depth appointment and me leaving with surgery scheduled to be done in the next 2 weeks for a hysterectomy. Life was kind of a whirlwind because I would have surgery about 5 or 6 days before Christmas. So I kicked it into overdrive and kept telling myself that I could make it until surgery and then HOPEfully things would get better.

My surgery went pretty smooth. It did take a little longer than expected due to a lot of scar tissue on my intestines that the general surgeon had to remove first before Dr. Brecheen could do the hysterectomy but I only ended up with a slightly bigger incision right around my belly button. They were still able to do it laparascopically. I was still very skeptical at 4 weeks post-op if it was really going to make a difference, but within week 5 I began to feel life come back into my body. I wasn't totally dragging after getting 8 hours of sleep and I wasn't needing a nap everyday. I felt like I actually had the drive to get up and get moving and get things accomplished around the house and do things with the kids. Then, the next week Andy and I decided to start getting up at 5:00 am and go to the gym. He doesn't really have any other time to go since he drives and hour to and from work each day. And I could do it after the kids went to school, but it always seemed like something would come up and I wouldn't have time to workout. I wondered how my body would do not getting 8 hours of sleep every night plus working out, but I told myself I could take a nap if I needed too. But guess what???? I have only had to lay down once maybe twice. I feel SOOOOO GOOD!!!! In fact, I feel FABULOUS!!! I feel like the "normal" me is starting to come back! I honestly never thought I would ever feel this way again, but I am HOPEFUL it will continue to only get better. Yes, I still use Saturdays to do a little catching up on some sleep but it is usually only sleeping until 8:30 or 9:00 am now. My house will never be perfectly clean like it was before 5 kids, but it is because of 5 kids not because I don't have the energy or drive to take care of my house anymore. Even if it is cloudy outside, I feel like the sun is shining again in my world! I am so very thankful to a Heavenly Father that answers my prayers! I am thankful He didn't give up prompting me with the answer I needed even though I kind of ignored Him for a year or more. I am thankful for a wonderful family that has continued to support me through the last 3 years and pick up the pieces when I haven't been able to. Our Heavenly Father knows us personally! He knows what we need to make us strong, and He hears and answers our prayers. I have learned so much in the last 3 years about who my Father in Heaven is trying to mold me to be. I am still stubborn and independent, but I am slowly learning to trust Him and rely on Him. I know He loves me and cares for me and that if I will continue to listen and repent and then keep on going, I can become the daughter He wants me to be!